It is amazing how God works in our lives.
These last few weeks have been difficult to say the least. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. They have been weeks full of busy schedules, uneasy feelings, exhaustion. Relationships slipping, insecurity rising.
This last week and a half was the toughest. I was broken down. I felt like a bunch of pieces scattered around, with no way of piecing myself back together. And today it all came together.
Before I go further into my humpty-dumpty moment, I must make a confession. When things started getting tough, I took it all on by myself. And I was on "go" mode 24/7. I took no time to stop and think. No time for reflection. No time for prayer. Every day I told myself, "Vanessa, figure it out! Get it done. Fix these problems." My conversations with God were Vanessa-focused. If you know me, you know that I am a bit of a control-freak at times...yes, even with God. I know, that is not a good thing.
Throughout this mess, I kept asking myself, what did I do wrong? What did I do to so-and-so person? Where did I mess up that would cause this? While there are several things that we can always do to do things better, after my reflections both alone and with my husband, I just could not pin everything on myself. So then the question of why really stands out. Why would this happen to me? Why would God allow these moments that are so painful to happen to me?
God wants us to depend 100% on Him, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Not when hard times come. Not when we can't figure out the solution on our own. He wants us to surrender ourselves and everything that has to do with us to Him ALL THE TIME. He shows us His love and care for us by the "little things" in our lives. Happy moments that He gives us, He wants us to see how He is providing for us, giving us no reason to doubt Him. He is our Provider.
But, I think in my case, He saw that I was not looking 100% to Him all the time. Only when I "needed" Him. And just like any earthly parent would, sometimes when you have a rebellious/reluctant kid you have to let your little one, let him or her fall down, and allow your child to realize that maybe he/she should have held on to mom or dad's hand and not be so reluctant to listen.
For the unbeliever, this next comment may not sound very good, but it is my honest feeling and I want to share it. God is allowing for me to be break down, to be broken down by the situations happening in my life. Note, HE is not doing the breaking! God is in control of all circumstances and yes, allows things to happen in our lives, even the yucky things. Why is He allowing this? So HE can rebuild me in His image. The Vanessa He knows I can be when I have Him with me. AND, I am so thankful! Last week I heard the Lord in my life like I had never heard Him before! Loud and clear. The way He spoke to me made perfect sense to me. No it was not a light from the sky or a vision. It was in my daily life, daily routine that He spoke to me time and time again. What did He tell me? He said, TRUST ME! SEEK ME! BE FULL OF ME! This week I broke down. Yesterday I was 1 million little pieces scattered everywhere. Today, I am a pile of 1 million little pieces. Still broken, but at least all in one spot. Tomorrow perhaps my reconstruction will begin. Maybe not. I don't know. But He knows! And I trust that He will build me back up in His perfect timing.
Yesterday, in the midst of my broken and scattered state, my husband sent me this verse from one of my favorite books of the Bible: So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36 (NLT).
Patient endurance...I love that. Something I am not good at, but something I am loving to learn. Being broken into a million little pieces and knowing that I cannot build myself back together will be a perfect place to practice my patient endurance.
I share this with you because I can only imagine the difficulties we all face in our lives. Times are difficult. For those of us that know the Lord, wait on Him. My pastor once said that we need to wait on the Lord...He is ALWAYS waiting on us. We should be waiting on Him. For those that are not believers, I encourage you to seek the Lord. If you do, with all your heart, you will see/feel/hear/smell Him. FYI, the Lord is already there, next to you. Every, single, day He is there, waiting for you to let Him in. Love is a choice and He wants you to choose to love Him. Believe me that what I am facing right no joke. So many things happening at the same time. Some good. Some not so good. All of it scrambled up into one huge feeling of chaos. But, within all of this I can confidently say that I am not afraid. That confidence is in and comes from my Savior. Not me. Not my husband. Not because I am a "good" person. Only because of Him. Seek Him. Open your heart to Him...I promise you will not be disappointed.